In my submission I am Free/
A Free spirit I will always be/
I let my Universe take control/
Body, Mind, Spirit and Soul/
You are my Universe, You're all I see/
In Your hands I will always be Free.
So I'm having an emotional crisis right now and sadly I have no friends around to cry to right now. So I'm writing here. It will likely be a ramble, so I apologize to any reader before hand for any incoherence.
I have put more effort into flirting with Dominant men in the last few weeks than I have put in probably ever. I am really craving some control right now. One of the biggest blocks to finding a Dominant has always been my rigidity on sex. But after an in depth conversation with a friend a month or so ago, I've decided that I am ready to have sex with the right guy (hence beginning my search).
There is a guy that I find very attractive, not only physically, but his Dominance style is extremely attractive. So I made the effort to flirt with him. It was difficult to flirt because I'm not that good at it and I felt like I was giving it my all. Finally the topic of my sexuality or lack of sexual experience came up. He seemed to be interested. I thought maybe he could be the one. And then suddenly he springs this sentence on me: "I'll never touch a virgin." After all the interest he had shown in understanding my sexual situation, that sentence hit me like a brick.
Then he explained that women tend to be clingy after having sex with him and it's worse with virgins, especially since he's just so good at sex. Plus, apparently virgins are too tight and that hurts his cock. I want to throw up.
How is this fair? I'm finally ready to work toward giving my v-card away and the guy I've been trying to proposition doesn't even want it?!?
I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place that only sleaze balls or people who don't want a long term relationship with me will want to take my v-card, but I'm not willing to be with sleaze balls and I want to give my virginity to someone special who I might have the possibility of a relationship with.
An interesting question was posed by Ivon Bartok (Ivonbartok is his twitter ID) on twitter. "Interesting debate tonight with my girlfriend: If you believe in gay marriage, can you be against polygamy? Discuss?"
When I started to respond, I realized, there was no way I could make a "well thought out" argument with the character restrictions. Now, of course, everything posted in this blog is my opinion, and mine alone.
If you believe in gay marriage, can you be against polygamy? Well, anyone can be against anything they want to be against... but I think the underlying question here is, can one be moral and the other immoral? Yay for morality questions!
I come from a very interesting background. I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon religion). And guess what? Mormon's used to practice polygamy!!! Yet, just recently, President Boyd K. Packer (one of the church's apostles) called homosexuality impure and unnatural. So obviously to this group, polygamy is ok for it helps the "multiplication" efforts that God commands. In other words: "Go forth and fuck as many women as you can marry." But on the other hand, they can be against same sex rights, marriages, etc, because there is no multiplication occurring.
But that's just my personal beef with the church coming through. My personal opinion? If two men love each other, they should have every right and protection to be together. If three women love each other, they should have the rights and protection to be together. If two men and six women all love each other, they should also have the rights and protection to be together.
Our problem is we get caught up in this ideal world where everyone gets married and marriage means you're perfect. In the end, legally, marriage gives you rights, protection and tax benefits. I don't care if we call it marriage, just allow everyone the same rights. Protect all equally. And stop judging people for being who they are and loving who they love.
I grew up in the Mormon religion. During my faithful years there, I was somewhat aware of the messages of submission. It was probably the fact that I was taught to submit to Christ and God as a child that made my transition into D/s submission such a seemless one.* When I reflect, it seems that most mainstream religions have some sort of message of submission. Now, I could be wrong; I don't claim to be a religion expert.
But today, I really realized how seriously people can submit to an idea, or a faith. Some may even say, "I don't believe in God, I KNOW He exists." But in any case, they're putting their faith in something they cannot see and cannot scientifically proove exists.
So where did this realization come from? Well, my sister has returned from her faithful Mormon mission to the Netherlands. So me, being the loving sister I am, had to go to church today to support her. Yeah, I know... lucky me, right? My sister spoke of faith and "obedience" (aka: submission). As a missionary, she faced some pretty stringent rules. And she spoke of how important it was to be completely obedient.
That's when I began to think. Have I simply traded one Master (religion) for another more tangible one?
But the biggest shock to me was when I was getting ready to go home. My sister was insistent that I stay a little longer for family prayer. So I stayed and everyone knelt down. But my sister didn't just kneel, she bowed herself over. Her stance showed true submission.
You know what I'm talking about, right? It's like watching a scene between two people just playing the parts to have some fun, and then turning around and watching a ritual between a Master and his submissive. The difference is quite stark.
I don't know that there's a point to any of this. I've just been thinking, and so thought I might as well share. It makes me happy to know my sister has found something to submit to. For me, submission is such an important part of my life. I find that submission in one area can make a person stronger in their other life aspects. Again, I could be wrong, but that's the way it seems to me.
*When I say "seemless transition into submission," I refer only to the mental side of submission... the desire to serve, to always be pleasing, ect. I would never suggest that becoming a lifestyle submissive is an easy transition.
I can't quite recall the circumstances, but for some reason or other, I was to report to some facility to determine... something. (I'm pretty sure that part stemmed from my needing to go get fingerprinted so my employers knew I wasn't a criminal.) This facility was known for its unfairness in its interrogation techniques. Methods were used to confuse you, with punishments to follow every time you said something incorrectly (which happens to be a RL fantasy of mine by the by*).
So I get to this facility and after filling out paperwork, I'm led to a darkly lit prison area. Think stereotypical bad prison conditions, and you've got it. This place was uncomfortable. It was freezing cold, tiny, and damp... which was bad because somewhere along the way I had lost my shoes. There was one girl in the cell to my right. She stood insecurely with her arms wrapped around her body as she shivered. I suspected part of it was due to the coldness, but that most of her stance was derived by fear.
It wasn't long before someone came for her: a very domineering and strong woman. The interrogation on the girl started immediately as the interrogator's attendants dragged her out of her cell and into a room beyond, which was past my view. Then I was alone.
Alone with my thoughts for a time period that I won't even attempt to measure. It was long enough to let the suspense build, but not too long as to allow the coldness to start to numb my senses. That's when he entered. Tall, strong, and obviously very sadistic. Now he wasn't bulky or anything, but his presence demanded respect. He didn't bring anyone to help him. He unlocked my cell and walked in, staring me down. It was one of those moments when you just know that you're in trouble, and you can't help but shrink back. Without saying a word, he grabbed me and forced me to the room beyond.
That next room was a spectacle. Dozens of prisoners such as myself were all around, being interrogated by anywhere from 2-5 people at a time. But looking around, there was one thing to be sure. None of the other interrogators had the same presence as the one I had been stuck with. This realization just added to the sensational tingling throughout my body caused by both anticipation of what was to come, and fear of the same.
As is often with dreams, details get a little fuzzy around here. I remember having a barrage of nonsensical questions thrown at me, confusing me. I was whipped for every wrong answer (which was practically all of them), I was hung upside down, I was kept from breathing until I thought I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. This torture was designed to be confusing, and it did work. Somewhere in the torture, I began to address my interrogator as sir with true respect. All in all, though a bit shady on the details, I remember the feelings of admiration and respect. The entire experience was truly sensational.
But then suddenly, I had done something very wrong (don't ask me what it was). I was to face a punishment that I remember thinking I could not bear. But it turns out, my interrogator had a way out for me. I could have sex with him. Well in real life, I would have cried in despair, but the electricity between us was strong. My mind told me that it was ok. And we joined together in what I'll cheesily describe as beautiful harmony. It wasn't this scary thing, like my real life mind has brought it out to be. The time was just right, and everything was just right. He wasn't rough or unkind with his movements, but gentle and understanding. And when it was time, I reached down and removed him from within me as he exploded (can't be getting pregnant, now can we?).
At that point things got weird (as if they weren't already). Someone saw him cumming and cried out in complaint. I leaped up and gave some wonderful speech about some sort of sexual revolution. Everyone in the room began to revolt. And then come to find out, my interrogator is the prince of whatever strange land this all occurred in, and we had to run away from his parents, the queen and king... which is all too similar to that Syfy version of Alice, that I'm sure my mind had just begun copying its plot for a while.
So what is the point of all this? Why did I dream this of all things? Well, I think my mind is telling me that I need to get out and play more often (and I'd really like to live out my fantasy*). I think I also learned that I need to stop worrying so much about sex. Not that I'm going to go jump on the next guy I see, but I think I now realize that when the time is right, I'll just know it and go for it. There's kind of a peaceful serenity that comes with that realization.
Well... either that, or someone broke into my apartment last night and raped me, and I just didn't wake up for it, so my mind compensated with a dream... I'm sure it's one or the other. But in any case, the "afterglow" from this dream is very similar to the "afterglow" I get after a real scene. So now I just need to learn how to have a BDSM themed dream every night so I can have tons of scenes without having to even be with someone else. Wouldn't it be grand to have BDSM scenes on demand?
*Ok, so this dream is one of many possible scenes that could come from my fantasy. My true fantasy is to be put into nearly impossible situations, told that I'll be punished every time I mess up... and then after the task is complete, actually being punished for these errors. The intense pressure would be palpable and I love the feelings that come with being faced with a goal that is just out of my reach. It's even more fun when every once in a while, distractions are added in to keep me even further from my goal.
From time to time I write plays. I have written a very short one inspired by my LGBT class called "Support Group." One of the characters is a bisexual submissive, really inspired by my own feelings and experiences. The play is available to read for free to the members of dominanceabound.com (free to join). Look for Mickie's profile and look under blogs for the full text.
So I was driving to my first day on the new job today when I notice something moving in the car next to me. There was a man, holding a sign that said, "Please flash me, it's my birthday." Now had this happened a year or two ago, I probably would have been disgusted and embarrassed by the idea. Instead, the following thoughts went through my head, "I'm driving, I have a coat, shirt and bra on, and my exit is coming up, it's just not practical." And I mouthed to the guy that I was sorry. Maybe it's the fact that on Saturday I participated in a photo shoot and went completely nude for some of the pictures. Yeah, that's probably it.
By the by, pictures have not been released of me yet, but they'll be released on dominanceabound.com! Sign up for an account and keep your eye out for those pictures.
I had an interesting conversation with a beautiful woman this past weekend. She, as I am, is a submissive. As she had makeup placed on her face, you could easily tell she was slipping into submissive mode as a peaceful smile rested on her face. It was a look of serenity that I recognized, but not everyone understands.
As we talked, she commented on how nice it was to have everything taken care of for her. "I don't think you can enjoy being a submissive without having control over most facets of your life," she explained. "It's so nice to be able to sit back and have everyone else make the decisions for a while, after having taken care of the bills, the shopping, and everyday life in general."
I was able to relate with her words. When I am in that moment of servitude, or in a scene, my control to worry is gone. There's no point in stressing out over the bills when there is no way you can go take care of them anyway. So then you can sit back, relax, and just let the experience consume you.
I want every submissive to be able to enjoy this freedom. That is why I am so grateful for technological advances in our society. Through them, even people who have no other way of connecting with other D/s minded people, can still connect and experience this wonderful world.
A new group I am excited about is the DA Entertainment Group. Though they are still in pre-beta mode, they are very promising. I can already see this group growing without bounds and enabling new ways of interacting for their members. In the spirit of helping others connect, they have released a beta social networking site found here: www.dominanceabound.com. And to get a preview of some things that will be coming with the launch of the company, check out www.thedacorp.org.
What sites do you enjoy in order to connect with like minded people? What do you like about them?